JEFF PROBST: Twenty-one days ago, sixteen Americans embarked upon the adventure of their lives. Here, in the unspoiled wilderness of the Canadian Yukon, they must battle not only the harsh environment, but also each other. They have formed a new civilization, with nothing to unite them but a common goal: one million US dollars, and the title of… The Ultimate Survivor.
In this Special Edition of Survivor 3.01: The Yukon, we bring you never-before-seen glimpses into their pursuit of this goal.
[Day 3, Konga Tribe]
ANNE: I’m miserable here. Not that this place is any different from anywhere else I’ve been. We tried to have a wienie roast last night, you know, to raise our spirits. Brilliant idea. We don’t have any wienies, and even if we did, Glen would just eat them all. My strategy? It’s to make everyone else look bad, starting with Glen. That’s my plan, anyway.
JEFF PROBST: Unfortunately, Anne’s strategy didn’t work out as she hoped, and she gained the dubious distinction of being the first Survivor voted out of the Yukon.
[Day 6, Konga Tribe]
VIVIAN: You know, this is really an incredible experience. We’ve only been here six days, and already a lot of amazing stuff has happened. Like that whole thing with Glen and the cherries. I can’t wait to see what happens next. I’m a screenwriter, and I know all this will make a fantastic screenplay; maybe a movie, which I could write, direct, and star in.
MICKEY: Vivian, come on, it’s time to go to Tribal Council. Now.
JEFF PROBST: Alas, Vivian’s dreams of writing a screenplay chronicling her adventures in the Yukon were cut short, when she was the second person to be voted out. Meanwhile, at the Sampo Tribe, the group was split, with Lobo being the wild card.
GEORGIA: Have you seen Lobo?
RUBY: No, I haven’t. We should try to find him.
GEORGIA (calling): LO-BO!
RUBY: Lobo.
GEORGIA: LO-BO!!
RUBY: Lobo.
[Lobo is not far away, talking to Warren and Neil]
WARREN: Lobo, we need to know where you stand. Neil, Georgia, and I are solid, and we’d like to know whose side you’re on.
LOBO: What about crazy woman?
NEIL: Carmelita? She’s a flake. She’ll probably vote however we tell her to.
LOBO: Lobo like others better. They more fun.
WARREN: It’s not about fun, Lobo, it’s about winning the game. Let me show you this chart…
LOBO: Lobo get the damn game, man. Lobo not stupid. Lobo have demeaning job as laboratory assistant and henchman for mad scientist, but that just stepping stone for Lobo plan to become CEO of General Electric. Or Chief Executive Fry Cook at Denny’s. Lobo not decide yet.
NEIL: Sorry, Lobo, no offense.
LOBO: Lobo hear someone calling. Time for Lobo go to think. Lobo see you. [He walks away].
WARREN: Jeez, he’s so sensitive.
JEFF PROBST: On Day 9, the Sampo Tribe faced their first Tribal Council. Each side voted for the most annoying person on the other side. Kitten and Warren went into a tiebreaker, and when it was over, Warren was the third to leave the Yukon.
KITTEN: Warren had no right to be here in the first place. He was a big, rich, square with a creamy Corvette. I, I mean WE, need that money more than he does. I… WE… all have futures to think about. Shiny white futures where we lie around all day being pampered. By plastic people like Warren!
JEFF PROBST: And so the first domino fell in the Sampo Tribe. Three days later, Carmelita was voted out of the Sampo Tribe, which is just as well, because she would have been disqualified. We were alerted that while she was a fortune teller from New Jersey, as she claimed, she was in fact a Hungarian citizen named Madame Estrella.
On Day 13, three members of each Tribe traded places. Georgia, Neil, and Lobo, of Sampo, went to Konga. And Roger, Mickey, and Melissa, of Konga, joined the Sampo Tribe.
ROGER: Well, it’s tough survivin’ here in the Yukon, Ah tell you what. And now Ah got to be on the same team as a powder puff, a homo, a queer mary flute-playing queen. Now, Ah ain’t really sure, but Ah aims to find out just how things are.
[That night, at Sampo:]
MELISSA: … Who wants to take the first watch, tonight?
MR. B NATURAL: I do! Who’s with me? Roger?
ROGER: Ummm… OK.
[Several hours later, on night watch:]
ROGER: Yew know, B, there’s something Ah been puzzlin’ about. Is yew a… Ah mean, is yew… g- g-…
MR. B NATURAL: Glorious? Gorgeous? Gay?
ROGER: Yeah! That’s it! That last one.
MR. B NATURAL: Sorry to disappoint you, Roger, but I’m not gay. I’m a sprite, by definition without gender. Why would you ask that?
ROGER: Well, when Ah first saw yew, Ah thought, “Hey, he’s kinda purty.” And yew act kinda like a woman.
MR. B NATURAL: Thanks, I guess. You act kind of like a man.
ROGER: Yep. Yew sure are purty, Ah tell you what. Let me hear you squeal like a pig, now.
JEFF PROBST: Well, we need to take a break at this point. Can you say, “Jump the shark”? Whatever. Be with us next time, for Part 2 of this Special Edition of Survivor 3.01: The Yukon!
Day Special Edition part 2
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